


Lost

by sweetrosei



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Catatonia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 05:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5954707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetrosei/pseuds/sweetrosei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even the strongest soldiers can be broken by a loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost

The titans were infecting the water supply with their poison. Anyone who drank it would turn into a titan and anyone who resisted would die of dehydration if it didn’t rain to fill private stores. It was a last ditch effort by the titans who were in a desperate position. Survey scientists had come up with a cure that would revert titans back into humans. It could be spread through the air, so it was fairly easy to administer. Naturally, the titan shifters wanted to stop it and they were having one last go at taking out humanity.

Luckily, Survey Corps had found out where the titans stored their poison and knew it was flammable. Their solution was obvious: blow it up. Three teams were already on their way to take down the store. It had been a long fight to get there but they were nearing the end. Burning the poison wouldn’t be a problem, the fumes wouldn’t effect anyone. The problem was, they'd had to use some of their explosives on their fight to the stores. They had enough to blow it still but they'd used up all of their remote detonators. Someone would have to do it manually and there wouldn't be enough time to get away.

Levi had quickly volunteered. There had been a brief argument but there wasn't much time to spare when the titans were closing in on their position. Someone had to blow it while the others fled. It was killing Erwin inside, everyone could see, but Levi knew he was right. They needed Erwin and Hanji more than they needed him and he certainly wasn't going to ask one of the younger ones to do it. He didn't mind giving his life for humanity. That was part of what Survey was for. Erwin only nodded his agreement. The decision had been made.

Levi was ready to go in an instant. He had everything he needed and it only took a few seconds for him to grab the rest of the explosives. He didn't want a long goodbye. He didn't want a goodbye kiss. He wasn't going to remember it anyway and it would probably only make it harder for Erwin to let him go. No, he was just going to walk away. He shoved the bag on his back and walked to the alley exit.

There was a solid thump to his neck and his vision went black as he lurched forward. His head span and pain radiated out from the impact but it wasn't enough to knock him out. Whoever had done it hadn't committed enough. Adrenalin flooded through him as the world stayed dark. He tried to struggle, to get away from his assailant and fight back but there was a strong body pressing him against something cold and solid, probably the wall. Levi tried to push off of it but something wrapped tight around his throat. He was already dizzy so he knew he wouldn't last long. Who was it? What has happening? Where were the others? He had to blow the supply.

Levi slid to the ground as he blacked out. Erwin released him to Hanji and picked up the gear.

~

Levi woke in pain. His neck and back ached and his head felt heavy and foggy. As he remembered why he hurt, he forced himself not to jerk. If he'd been kidnapped then he didn’t want to let them know he was awake. He had to work out where he and the others were and what his next move was. That was soon forgotten when he recognised Armin's voice. Then he realised he knew who had attacked him. He knew that weight. 

“Erwin.” Levi croaked, his voice hoarse. _Erwin_. Levi opened his eyes. He was on a wagon, surrounded by the survivors of the group. He wasn’t with the bomb.  _Erwin._ Where was Erwin? Levi’s gut twisted. He already knew. He didn't need to see the others faces to know. He knew Erwin too well. He knew what he'd done. 

Hanji's hand on his shoulder stopped him getting straight up. “Levi-“

“Where the fuck is Erwin?” Levis voice came out more hysterical than he'd expected. Please let him be wrong. His heart was already racing and his stomach was beginning the churn.

“Levi... he wanted you to keep going.” Hanji replied, their voice solemn.

“Fuck that.” Levi pushed them away as he tried to stand up. The rope around his legs stopped him. What the fuck? They’d tied him down? Levi twisted around to see the store behind them. It was still standing. If he ran now there was a slim chance he might get to Erwin in time. The grogginess in his head started wearing off and panic started rising. Erwin. _Erwin_. The idiot was going to kill himself to save them. That was Levi's job. He couldn't let this happen. He had to get to him. He had to. 

Levi's hands rushed to the ties around his legs, his stomach twisting painful and his lungs burning. He'd never felt so sick. Was he shaking or was the adrenalin making him dizzy?  His hands almost reached the rope when a blade appeared in front of his face to try to stop him. It didn't work.

Levi continued leaning forward, ignoring the blade as it sliced across his shoulder. Hanji had moved it enough that it wouldn't cut his neck. “Erwin gave me strict instructions not to let you go after him. This is what he wants.” Hanji's voice was stern but Levi knew they didn't want to be doing this. 

There wasn’t time to give them a response. He started pulling apart the knots. He was definitely shaking now. Erwin needed him. The fucking idiot wasn't going to take his place. Levi was the one that was going to die, not Erwin. He felt like he was going to throw up or pass out at any moment. His skin was crawling and everything was too loud and _fuck_ why were these knots taking so long? 

"Levi." Hanji dropped the blade and grabbed his arms. "Levi, stop. Don't make me do this. Follow his orders."

"He didn't fucking order me not to." The last he'd heard from Erwin was him agreeing that Levi would trigger the bomb. Erwin hadn't ordered him not to follow him. He'd knocked him out instead. No doubt he hoped Levi wouldn't wake up in time to save him. Fuck him. 

Levi pulled the ropes away only to be tackled by Hanji and someone else. He didn't get time to see who the other was, he was too busy trying to fight Hanji off. It was a scrappy struggle he didn't have time for. If he wasn’t still recovering from being knocked out and wasn’t shaking so much he’d get away quicker. His fist connected with Hanji's jaw seconds before there was an immense boom behind them.

Levi froze. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. Was his heart even pumping? The others stopped trying to fight Levi. Hanji slumped next to him. 

He was too late. 

Levi was numb. The sickness had stopped. Everything had stopped. He was too late. Too late. Erwin... 

" _Erwin._ " His voice came out as a raspy whisper. He knew his eyes were open but he wasn't seeing anything. Erwin was gone. Levi had failed to stop it and _Erwin was gone._  

Levi curled in on himself. It felt like he was dying himself. He wished he was. 

~

Hanji stood still, too shocked from the explosion and the slowly rising excruciating whining sound Levi was making. They watched as Levi curled up fully, the whining sound stopping in a sob and a gasp for breath. They'd known it would hurt him, it would hurt them all, but they couldn’t stop now. Erwin's loss was breaking Hanji's heart but they knew they had to keep going. Looking at Levi was crushing their heart even more. He had to get up. He had to stay strong. If he broke, then others might too.  

Hanji kneeled next to him. “Levi.” They spoke softly. No response. The noise had stopped and Levi was silent, unmoving.

“Levi.” Hanji tried again. No response.

“Levi!” Hanji repeated, their voice more forceful. No response.

Hanji put a hand on his back, nudging him. “Levi come on. We have to keep going, there's still more to be done. We need you.”

Levi didn't move. Didn't speak. There was no sign that he could even hear them. Hanji's gut filled with dread.

“Levi?” Hanji leant down further. The urge to check his pulse rose and they started quashing it before deciding perhaps it was worth doing. They pressed two fingers against Levi’s neck, managing to squeeze them to the right place. His pulse was normal. Calm and stable. Had he passed out?

Hanji tried moving him, wanting to put him in a better position to breathe until he work up and found him surprisingly pliable. There was no resistance as they moved him. They were sure he'd passed out until they saw his face. His eyes were open. Starting and blank. No sign of recognition or anything going on behind them beside the occasional automatic blink.

“Levi?” Hanji asked, waving a hand in front of his eyes.

There was a loud creak near by and Hanji turned, expecting there to be a titan about to attack the cart. Instead, half a building toppled, having been previously knocked into by a titan earlier.

They needed to get Levi out the of the way. Whatever the hell was happening with him would only slow them down. They wanted to help him hut now what not the time. 

They'd succeeded in their main mission, destroying the stores, but there were still titans around. They'd lost their commander and another captain was down. Now was the time for retreat. Hanji called out the order and changed course for home. They stayed next to Levi while keeping an eye out for incoming titans, ready to attack if needed. The rest of the team were trying to keep up their best strong faces and focus on the task at hand. HQ was a day’s ride away. They would stop off briefly at a temporary base to rendezvous with others before heading to the main base. They kept hoping Levi would wake up by the time they arrived back at base.

He didn't.

~ 

It wasn't until 4 hours after arriving at HQ that Levi ‘woke up’. They'd managed to get him into the hospital wing and a hospital bed without too much trouble. Levi would make no attempt to move himself but he would allow them to move him with little resistance. They posed him comfortably in bed. Hanji wanted someone familiar to him with him at all times until he ’woke’. They knew this problem had to be psychological and having someone familiar and safe nearby might help.

From what the doctors could tell, there was no physical injury to explain Levi’s symptoms but it was all mental. They suspected Erwin’s death had been so traumatic and such a shock to him that he was struggling to process it and cope with his emotions, so he was shutting out the outside world to limit his stressors. They called it Catatonia. He wasn’t responding to anything or moving because he’d shut everything out. It was a coping mechanism.

Armin was on Levi-watch duty, reading some medical books about Levi’s condition. He looked up at the sound of movement from the bed. “Captain.”

Levi looked a little confused as he awkwardly moved, as if he was waking up very slowly. Eventually his gaze seemed to fix properly on Armin and there was a flicker of recognition in his eyes. "Armin."

Levi's voice was dry and Armin immediately jumped to hold out a glass of water. Levi accepted, moving a little gingerly, and sipped quietly. Armin knew he was supposed to send for Hanji the moment Levi woke, but he didn’t think walking off right away would help Levi.  

"Do you want anything else? Any food? Does anything hurt?" He asked, trying not to overwhelm Levi with questions but also wanting to cover the basics. Levi had been out of it for over a day, Armin wasn't confident that his own wellbeing was at the front of his mind. A little gentle reminder shouldn't hurt.  

Levi stared down at the glass in silence for a few minutes and Armin was fully ready to panic that Levi had frozen up again. "Captain?"

"No."

"No?" Armin asked, relieved that Levi was still responding although a little confused by the reply.  

Levi suddenly looked up, as if he'd only just become fully aware of his surroundings. "We're back at base. How did I get here?"

"We carried you. First in the cart, and then Jean carried you here. Do you-" Armin wanted to know how much Levi remembered but he was afraid of Levi remembering Erwin and falling back into-

" _Erwin_." Levi's voice showed more emotion in that one word that he had in the last day.  

"I'm sorry, Captain." Armin spoke quietly, knowing there was nothing he could say that would help with that right now. They all knew Erwin and Levi had a strong bond, but none of them had expected this level of reaction. Levi always seemed so in control of himself. Even Hanji had been shocked by Levi's reaction. There had been rumours that there was something other than friendship or professional respect between the two but no one had been sure. Armin was pretty confident it was true now. "I can get Hanji. They wanted to see you when you woke."  

Armin wasn't running away. He definitely wasn't running away, unable to bear the raw pain on Levi's face. Hanji had ordered him to fetch them once Levi was awake anyway. He got up and quickly hurried out, telling a nurse Levi was awake on his way as he headed to straight to wear Hanji was.  

~

Hanji rushed to Levi as fast as they could but were stopped at the door by a nurse. "He's catatonic again, I'm sorry. He was lucid for a while but then he started asking about the commander and... I tried my best but he froze again. I'm very sorry. I'm sure he will wake up again though."

Hanji tried to reign in their anger. It wasn't the nurse’s fault. She didn't kill Erwin. She didn't take Erwin from Levi. It wasn't her fault Levi was struggling. Who knew how long it would be before Levi ‘woke up’ again though? Hanji pushed by, deciding saying nothing to the nurse was better than saying something bad.  

"Levi?" Hanji asked, standing at Levi's bedside. They had no idea what to say. They could talk forever about almost anything, but they were at a loss for words now.

Erwin would know what to say. Petra would know what to say. Hell, even Mike might have known what to say. Or at the very least he'd sniff Levi until he got so pissed off he had to snap out of it in order to yell at him to shove his disgusting nose elsewhere.  

Hanji realised then that Levi hadn't showered. He always showered after a mission, sometimes taking more than one when it had been a bad one. As far as they knew, he hadn't made any attempt to clean himself. That worried them even more.

"Levi? I'm going to sit with you for a while. I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm going to stay as long as I can. Maybe I could get them to bring my paperwork here. Although that might make you sleep even longer so you don't get asked to fill in any to help me." Hanji joked, hoping for any reaction. No response.  

At least he looked more comfortable this time. He was rested against the pillows with his eyes closed. If they didn't know better, they'd say he was just sleeping.  

~

It happened so suddenly. One moment, the nurse was asking him some basic questions, the next he was watching the store blow and feeling everything all over again, as fresh as it was the first time. He was there again and once more unable to stop it. He struggled to breathe for a few minutes before everything went peaceful and still. The world disappeared.

Levi woke up when Hanji was half way through the paperwork. The sound of paper moving alerted him to the presence of another and he slowly turned to look at them.

He didn't say anything as he locked eyes with Hanji. He was exhausted and Hanji, being Hanji, was just going to exhaust him further. He wanted to rest. When the world disappeared it was quiet, but it wasn’t restful.  

"Levi? How are you-" Hanji stopped, as if realising it was a stupid question.  

Levi looked down. He didn't have the energy to deal with this. _Erwin_.

"Please don't disappear on us again." Hanji's voice kept him in the present. "I can't say I know exactly how you feel but we can help you. Staying with us will help. Please stay?"

Levi felt a little guilty. He'd freaked out on them on the battlefield and essentially abandoned them as he froze up. He hadn't meant to, it hadn't been a conscious decision, but he still felt bad. He'd put them at risk. He would be angry with himself but he couldn’t summon the emotion. He was numb. The least he could do was try and stay with Hanji now. He owed her and the rest of the team more than that.

"He shouldn't have-" Levi started and Hanji stiffened. He wanted to talk about it but at the same time he didn't. He didn't want to think about it but it was all he could think about. He knew he was supposed to be strong, he _had_ to be strong but _fuck_ it was _Erwin_. He'd always known it would come one day but that didn't make it any easier. It was fucking Erwin. "He shouldn't have done that." He tried to keep his voice calm. "It was supposed to be me." Fucking Erwin. Levi had made his decision. "Why did he-" Levi stopped, hearing the anger in his voice. He hadn't meant to do that. His grip on his feelings had weakened embarrassingly. He couldn’t control them at all. He was flipping between numb and anger and fear and overwhelming sorrow in a second and switch back again just as fast.

"Levi, he did what he thought was for the best. He didn't stop to explain, but he wouldn't have done it without good reason."

"But it was supposed to be me! I volunteered. I was ready. We need him more than we need me. It was the logical choice!" Levi didn’t care about his anger this time. He was too tired to try and hold back.

"He didn't think it was the right choice." Hanji answered, sounding as much like they were convincing themselves as Levi.

"Fuck what he thinks! He was wrong!" Levi was shouting now. Thankfully, no one had come in. The staff probably knew better. Levi could barely control himself. No doubt Hanji had meant to help him, but this wasn't working.

Hanji stood, moving forward a little. Levi looked away as he rubbed the tears off his cheeks. "Levi, I really am sorry. Whatever his reasons were, he wanted you to live."

"I didn't want to." Levi murmured. "Not without him." He was always supposed to be the one to go first.

"Levi..." Hanji put a hand on Levi's shoulder. He continued looking away.

"How long do I have to stay here?" Levi asked.

"In the hospital wing? I'm not sure. They said you don't have any physical injuries."

Just mental ones then, Levi thought. "I don't want to stay here. It's dirty and loud and disgusting."

Hanji gave him a look like they didn't think the room was any of those things but didn't say it. "Perhaps I could talk them into letting you out sooner. I'm not leaving you alone though. I can try and talk them into letting you back into your room but I want someone nearby at all times."

Levi hesitated, staring at his fingers as he thought it over. "Erwin's room." He mumbled. His voice was quiet but Hanji still heard him.

"You want to stay in Erwin's room?"

Levi nodded. He needed to be near him, what was left of him.

Hanji looked concerned before nodding. "I'll see what I can do." There were probably a load of reasons why it was a bad idea for him to stay there but he didn't care. He needed to be close to Erwin again.

~

Hanji managed to convince the doctors to let Levi stay in Erwin's room the next day, so long as they came by to check twice daily and someone was nearby at all times.

Erwin had his own few rooms near the edge of the survey buildings. There was a small living/reading room, a bathroom and his bedroom. Levi knew the rooms well. It felt a little like coming home. It didn’t take long before it started feeling empty though.

Levi stared at all the signs of Erwin’s life here, the stack of plans and paperwork, the book left open over the arm of the sofa, the shirt with a small stain left hanging over the back of a wooden chair. Usually, Levi would be tidying up already, grumbling about Erwin being a messy old man, but now he wanted to preserve this. If he tidied it up, Erwin would never make a mess again. As it was, it looked like Erwin had only popped out for a moment. Levi wanted it to stay like this.

He turned to Hanji, who was standing behind him, watching him settle in. “Don’t touch anything. Don’t move anything.”

He got worse after that. Instead of his usual cleanliness, he became even more particular. No one was allowed to touch anything. If anyone moved something even a centimetre, he would scream at them and put it back exactly where it was. Anything he did himself was with extreme care and he tidied away all new signs of himself or others, trying to preserve everything Erwin.

The next day, the book fell off the arm of the sofa and the page number was lost. Levi had had a panic attack until he froze up again and didn’t move for 3 hours. The doctors had argued that he should go back to his hospital room after that. Hanji wasn’t sure that being in Erwin’s room was helping but the hospital wing was probably no better. It was cold and empty. Levi needed support and warmth right now. Plus, they couldn’t bring themselves to pull him away. The look in Levi’s eyes was too much.

~

Five days after they blew up the stores, a horse arrived from one of villages not too far from the store. Hanji, as acting commander, received the messenger. Upon hearing the message, they immediately gathered a small team. Hanji wanted to go but couldn’t leave the base without a commander so sent Mikasa, Jean and Sasha. They needed to send someone they trusted and could defend themselves if it was a trap. They couldn’t risk Eren in case it was a trap and Armin was the one getting along best with Levi right now, beside Hanji.

Hanji kept the message secret. It couldn’t get out until it had been confirmed. It especially couldn’t reach Levi.

It was a day’s ride out to the village. Mikasa and the others arrived around dusk and their messenger led them to the house. The messenger was a young man, probably their age. His mother opened the door and eagerly welcomed them inside.

“I assume you’ll want to see him right away?” she asked, walking towards the stairs.

“Could you tell us how you found him first?” Sasha asked. They wanted to gauge if these people were likely to be telling the truth before they walked upstairs into a potential ambush.

“Of course. Do you want any tea? Marcus, make some.” The woman sat at the kitchen table as her son started making the tea.

“Shall I start from the beginning?” The woman asked and Mikasa nodded. “Naturally, we all stayed in while you did your business over there.” She pointed in the general direction of where the store had been. “We tried to carry on as usual once it was over but the day after the explosion he came knocking at our door. He was a complete mess and at first we were worried he was going to hurt us but then he passed out. I recognised him after that. We took him in and tried to help him. He’s very wounded, you see. I don’t think its immediately life threatening but he needs more than what I can do here. He’s got too many horrible burns for me to heal.”

“Burns?” Jean asked as the tea was brought over.

“Yes. Says he got caught in the explosion but managed to hide behind something to avoid the worst. Don't think he avoided much though. Those burns will leave terrible scars."

They all hid their worry about that. How bad was it?

"How did he get to you?" Mikasa asked.

"Don't really know. He said he walked. Had a stick, that one over there-" she nodded to a branch propped up against the wall. "If it's true, he's a tough'n.”

It did sound like something he could do. It would fit with the timeline too. It would take a good few hours to reach them from the store at normal speed, let alone with burns.

“He hasn’t said all that much really. Keeps passing out again.” Marcus added, standing to the side.

"We would like to see him." Sasha spoke, already starting to stand.

"Of course, Marcus, show them."

They followed the boy up the stairs and to a side room. It was probably the boy’s room, seeing as the house didn't seem big enough to have a spare room. They braced themselves as they entered.

The man lying on the bed looked asleep, and had bandages covering the right half his face and body. The burns had to be agony. There's no way they had enough painkillers here. No wonder he kept passing out. Perhaps he was passed out right now rather than asleep after all. However, despite the dressings, they could still tell the identity.

There was no doubt about it. Erwin was alive.

~

Sasha stepped in to do some basic care. His pulse was a little fast but seemed okay considering his condition. They couldn't leave him here though. He needed proper medical care. They had to get him back to base.

"Do you have a cart or anything we can use to transport him?" Mikasa asked the boy. They'd decided not to bring one with them, since speed was deemed more important and they weren't even sure if the message had been true.

Marcus nodded. "It's got stuff on it now but I'll ask Ma if you can use it."

"We'll bring it back once we're done." Jean added before Marcus headed downstairs to find his mother.

The three of them stood still, looking between themselves and Erwin.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" Jean asked.

Sasha looked unsure. "It's hard to tell. We can treat the burns back at the base but I have no idea if something else could be wrong beneath. We need to get him to a doctor as fast as we can."

"Should we try and wake him?"

"No. I don't think so. Let him rest. He must have been awake before if he'd talked to them and walked this far. He's probably exhausted. The rest might help." He'd probably wake up when they moved him anyway.

The boy came back 10 minutes later. "Ma says you can borrow it but we really need it back after. It's the only one we've got."

"We'll make sure it is returned to you in the same condition. You have our word." Mikasa replied.

"How are we going to move him?" Jean asked. "How did you get him up here?"

"He walked." Marcus replied. "Well... he stumbled, to be honest, but he was sure he wanted to do it without much help. He was more pressed about making sure I got his message to ya."

"Thank you. We appreciate your help and speed." Mikasa gave him her attempt at a small smile.

"Do you have anything we can use as a stretcher? If we could get two bits of wood and a sheet, we could make one-"

"I can walk." The raspy voice shocked them all and they turned to the source. Erwin was blinking at them, looking utterly exhausted. His right eye seemed a little unfocused, as if he was having trouble focusing. It could be the pain or something else. The other was covered by the dressings.

"Commander, we could carry you, it's no troub-"

"I can walk, Sasha. I made it here. I can make it to a horse."

"You’re seriously injured and we’re not. Let us do this. We're borrowing their cart. We only have to get you to the cart." Mikasa added.

Sasha looked unsure for a moment before agreeing with Mikasa. Erwin was their commander so it felt wrong to go against his wishes but he was too injured to keep walking. He’d already done too much. Erwin either realised they were right or was too exhausted to argue and gave up with a sigh when Jean agreed too.

"Marcus, can you bring the cart out front and hook it up to my horse?" They'd all brought their horses for speed, but Sasha knew hers was strong enough to pull a cart with Erwin in it as well.

Marcus rushed down while the others turned back to Erwin. "Can we get you anything? I don't know if they have more painkillers but they have water." Sasha offered.

"A little water will do." Erwin replied, the pain obvious on his face as he forced himself to sit up.

"Sir. I have to say it's good to see you." Jean spoke up. He couldn't keep it in any longer.

Erwin looked over at him with a small half smile. It probably hurt too much to do more. "It's good to see you too. How long have I been out?"

"I don't know, but it's been 5 days since the assault on the titan's stores."

Erwin's left eye widened a little. "Five days. Who is acting commander?"

"Hanji. They're doing well." Sasha replied. "Commander, we can fill you in on the way or when we get back to base. You need to preserve your strength."

"Did we lose anyone?" Erwin asked, ignoring Sasha's speech.

Marcus returned then, having set up the cart. "It's ready."

They rigged together a stretcher and carried Erwin down the stairs. They made it to the cart and Erwin lay on it with a sigh. They hoped he'd get some more rest now. It wasn't going to be the most comfortable ride, but it was better than nothing.

Sasha and her horse pulled the cart while Mikasa and Jean rode beside it when they could, and rode one in front and one behind in the narrower areas.

Mikasa filled Erwin in on the list of the dead, which thankfully wasn't too long, but specifically didn't mention anything about Levi's state. They hadn't discussed it, but it seemed like it wouldn't do Erwin any good to hear about it now. Hopefully just knowing he wasn't on the list of dead would be enough for the moment.

~

Levi curled his fingers into the shirt. He'd agonised over whether or not to move it for an hour before he gave in and picked it up. The book had already been moved and ruined, he'd never know what page it was supposed to be on and now some of the pages were crumpled too. He could protect the shirt though, but it wasn't safe when Eren came by. Eren didn't understand how important it was. Levi took the shirt off the chair and carried it with him to Erwin's room. He sat on the bed, holding it for half hour. It still smelt like him. Levi didn't know what had caused the stain, it was definitely tea, but he didn't know how it had happened. Had Erwin been distracted reading and knocked it over on his desk? Had he spilled some while picking it up? He'd never know now.

Levi knew it wasn't okay for him to act like this. He knew it was wrong to be holed up in here, to freeze up for hours on end, to relive the explosion over and over. That didn't stop it though. He couldn't stop it. Hanji had called in a psychiatrist but Levi had thrown his shoe at him and screamed until he left. He didn't want to get over Erwin. He wanted Erwin.

It didn’t help that Hanji had been acting weirdly all day and it was making Levi suspicious. They had to be planning something weird, something he wouldn't like. Whatever it was, he'd fight it off if he had to.

Levi turned his attention back to the shirt. He held it up, breathing the scent in deeply. _Erwin._ Just Erwin’s smell made Levi feel better. Everything felt less painful in moments like this.

Levi jumped at a knock at the door. "Who is it?" he asked, folding the shirt and putting it in Erwin's bedside drawer to keep it safe.

"Armin." It must be Armin's turn to keep an eye on him then. He hated being watched like this, but at least they let him have some privacy alone in Erwin's room.

Levi got up from the bed and opened the door. Of all the people that watched him, Armin was the least annoying. He didn't talk too much and he let Levi sit in silence if he wanted to. He was unobtrusive while being happy to talk to Levi if he wanted.

"I brought a book about medicinal plants. There's a section on teas I thought you might like." Last time Armin had been here, Levi hadn't frozen but he had been too exhausted to move but couldn't sleep either. After a little while, Armin had started telling him stories about his childhood. Levi had found it to be a calming distraction and Armin had suggested he bring a book and read that to him next time. Levi had asked for something about teas or flowers. Mostly, he hadn't been able to think of anything and those had been the first to come to mind. He didn't really care about fiction and he didn't want to force Armin to talk more about his past if he didn't want to, so those seemed like okay topics. Armin read enough books that Levi was sure he could find something.

Levi nodded and they both settled comfortably onto the sofa. Armin started reading and after an hour, Levi dozed off. The last thing he heard before he slept was something about the benefits of Echinacea.

When he woke the next day, it was afternoon and he was on the sofa again. Levi vaguely remembered Hanji carrying him into Erwin’s bed at some point last night and then him deliriously moving back to the sofa after another nightmare about the explosion. Hanji had stayed with him until he’d fallen back to sleep.

Now, he woke to find Eren sat was on the floor opposite him, looking nervous. Eren had been around when the book had fallen and had been especially scared of touching anything since. He’d claimed he hadn't touched the book but Levi hadn't believed him. Things had gotten messy quickly after that. Since then, Eren mostly stayed as far from anything as possible and only sat on the sofa (now that the book had been moved) or on the floor. Levi didn't mind Eren sitting next to him but didn't question why Eren had chosen to sit on the floor instead this time. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to wake him.  

Levi looked at him and Eren perked up as he noticed Levi was awake. "Hi Sir. Are you hungry? Thirsty?" Eren was even twitchier than usual and Levi was immediately suspicious. Did this have something to do with Hanji's plan?

"What's going on?" Levi asked, trying his best to summon his old intimidating attitude. He didn't think it worked, but Eren still looked nervous anyway.

"Nothing, Sir. Just checking you're okay." Eren was lying.

"Hanji's up to something, aren't they?" Levi asked. 

"Not that I know of."

"You're lying. What are you hiding?” Levi was getting frustrated with all the lies. He was exhausted and he didn’t have the energy to deal with people trying to stab him in the back on top of everything else. He just wanted to rest and sleep and not have to deal with a world of misery anymore.

"Nothing, Sir-"

"Eren-" Levi wasn’t going to accept this bullshit.

"You should get some more re-"

"Don't fucking tell me what to do Eren." Levi stood up, anger beginning to flood his veins, waking him up more. "What is going on?"

"I'm just trying to- It's for your-" Eren looked a little panicked and started scrambling to stand up too.

"For my own good? _What_ is for my own good?" Levi was getting angrier by the moment. So they really were doing something behind his back. He knew it. What the fuck was it?

Eren held up his hands. "I'm afraid I can't tell you, Sir. I promise it's nothing bad though."

"Says you. You don't know what's good or bad to me. Why don't you tell me what it is and I'll decide?" Levi stepped forward.

"I- I think maybe you should speak to Hanji. I'll get them." Eren bolted from the room, leaving Levi shocked and angry. He’d expected Eren to fight him, not run. What the hell was Eren so desperate to keep quiet that he'd run from him? Was he really that scared of him? He thought they were past what had happened in the trial.

Levi sighed. Why were the younger recruits so afraid of him? Armin wasn't and he didn't think Mikasa was either, but that was it really. The rest acted like he wasn't human or was something to be afraid of and stay away from. He missed the days with his old team where he could talk to them easily. The new ones just didn't want to understand him. Now he'd lost Erwin, only Hanji understood him. Hanji didn't understand this though.

Levi moved towards the door. He opened it, expecting to find a guard or something but there was no one. For the first time in days, he was alone. Eren hadn't left someone to replace him. That was a mistake. Levi walked out, shutting the door behind him. He would find out what was going on for himself.

He raised a few eyebrows as he walked by some of the brand new recruits but kept going. He had no idea what they knew about his situation and he didn’t care right now. He also had no idea what he looked like. He hadn't bothered checking all day. There were other things to worry about.

He continued creeping down the hallways, still intending to find Hanji, until he walked by a window and saw a commotion outside. He peered out, seeing Mikasa, Jean, Sasha, Hanji, and Eren standing around three horses and a cart. Hanji didn’t seem angry with Eren for abandoning his post, which was a surprise, and their attention was focused on the cart. There was a body in the cart, wrapped half in bandages. Levi assumed it was some kind of mission gone wrong and that was what Hanji had been hiding. He was about to turn away when Jean moved and he got a better look at the body. He knew that blonde hair. He knew that body shape.

Levi started sprinting. He ran as fast as his legs would carry him, crashing into a few people without apology as he ran. Nothing was going to stop him. He made it out onto the courtyard the same time as the stretcher arrived.

"Levi!" Hanji spotted him first and looked shocked. They stepped forward to try and block him. He couldn't stop in time and crashed into her. Everything that had happened with him mentally lately had messed with him physically. Half his grace was gone. "Levi! Wait, hold on a second. Let me ex-"

"Let me see him!" Levi bellowed, not caring at all about the scene he was creating.

"I will! I will! But you need to calm down! Just hold on a second." Hanji had a tight grip on him but Levi twisted out of it and shoved them away.

Mikasa appeared in front of him next. "He's alive but he's injured and needs space to breathe. If you rush in you could make it worse.” She spoke firm and loud, not the slightest bit put off by his anger. Levi stopped moving at that.

He was... alive? Erwin? That was Erwin, right? And he was alive? Levi stood still, trying to process. He could feel the freeze coming again but tried to fight it off. Erwin needed him.

"Levi." It was Hanji again, with a hand on his shoulder. "Come with us to the hospital wing. Let the doctors treat him and we'll explain everything."

"Levi?" Levi's heart dropped and his knees buckled. Hanji caught him. That was Erwin's voice. It was unmistakeable. That voice made his heart weak, made his heart thrill, that voice belonged to the man who was everything to him. He held onto Hanji as he regained his stance. Mikasa moved, giving Levi free access to Erwin now that he’d stopped rushing.

~

Erwin watched as Levi stared at him. Erwin’s first reaction was joy at seeing Levi alive and well. That started to fade as Levi continued to stare, unmoving. Something felt off.

“Levi?” Erwin asked, his joy being replaced by nauseating worry. What had happened to make Levi react like this? Did he have bad news? Was he not happy to see him? Levi didn’t respond.

“Levi?” Hanji spoke up. Levi looked at her, his blank face transforming into one of complete confusion. “It’s him. He’s real. I promise.”

Hanji’s words seemed to reassure Levi, who turned back to Erwin and took a step forward, but made Erwin worry more. Everyone’s hesitant and concerned faces, eyes fixed on Levi, only made it worse. Something was very, very wrong.

Levis face was unsure and stunned as he approached. He looked like he was in shock. Erwin had seen this sort of reaction in the faces of parents when he'd told them of their loss. He'd seen some of them never recover. Erwin knew everyone would have assumed him dead but he hadn't expected this sort of reaction from the corps. Certainly not from Levi.

“Levi.” Erwin spoke his name again, filling the word with as much warmth and comfort as he could. Levi's face was still in shock and Erwin thought he was about to start hyperventilating at any moment. Erwin reached out, wanting to hold him and show that yes, he was real, but the movement sent a stab of pain through him and reminded him of his condition. Levi seemed to wake up a little as Erwin hissed at the pain and then everyone started moving.

“Erwin.” Levi's voice was distant but as soon as he closed his mouth his face started filling with life again. “ _Erwin!”_ His voice and face were back to normal, albeit now filled with worry.

The moment was over and the doctors barged in. “We need to get him to a hospital bed immediately.”

Hanji grabbed Levi, pulling him back. “You can come to the hospital with us but let the doctors do their work. He's home now, he'll be okay.”

Erwin was whisked away. He could hear Levi behind him, determined to go with him.

~

Levi was desperate to get in the room with Erwin. Hanji and the others struggled to keep him out while the doctors took care of Erwin. It wasn't that Levi didn't trust the doctors, it was that he'd thought Erwin was dead and now he wasn't and he was terrified that he'd lose him again while he was waiting in the next room. He couldn't be helpless again. Erwin needed him.

" _Hanji."_ Levi's voice was wrecked. The name came out hoarse. He was exhausted and terrified and his emotions were going haywire. He was overwhelmed with fear and joy and sorrow and panic. He just wanted to be with Erwin, to know that he was safe and okay, to be home.  

"Hanji." The fight went out of him temporarily, overwhelmed by his emotions, allowing them to pull him away from the door and stand him against a wall. "Did you know? How the fuck could you keep this from me?" He asked, his frustration adding to his inner turmoil.

"I had to be sure it was true. Someone sent us a message that they had Erwin and he was alive but we had no way of confirming it until we saw for ourselves. I sent a team and they brought him back. You found out it was true the same time I did." Hanji replied. Their voice was different from normal, calmer, warmer. They were trying to placate him. Everyone was on egg shells around him now. He knew why but it still irritated him.

"You should have told me."

"You would only have worried or worse. I was going to tell you as soon as I knew it was true. I didn't want to stress you out only to find out it was a lie."

It made sense but Levi was still mad. Of all the things he was feeling right now, rational wasn't one of them. "I need to see him."

"Once the doctors are done, I'm sure you can go in. He'll want to see you too."

Levi continued in much the same way, tiredly arguing back and forth with Hanji, until the doctors finally came out.

"He's stable. He'll take a long time to heal but we're optimistic."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Levi was already moving towards the door.

"He's asking for you." The doctor turned to Hanji and Levi stopped as he felt a stab of ice in his stomach. He wanted to see Hanji first? In the back of his mind he knew Erwin would want to know about the mission and how Hanji was doing as acting commander, but Levi still felt hurt. It didn't matter how much he understood why the others were behaving how they were, he couldn't stop himself feeling. It was worse than normal. He hated this new found weakness of his, he hated feeling so much and so little at unexpected times. He was a mess.

Levi watched Hanji go in. He didn't hide his frustration as he leant against the wall again to wait. The others looked nervous.

~

As expected, the first thing Erwin asked about was the mission and how Hanji was doing as acting commander. Hanji filled him in on everything that had happened. Erwin seemed pleased with their progress. "I trust you will continue as acting commander until it can be made official."

"What? Official?" Hanji asked. They looked surprised but Erwin doubted they hadn't expected it. First, they'd thought Erwin was dead, and now that he was back he was still in too poor a condition to take over again. It was inevitable that Hanji would be made commander. Some might have thought Erwin would have chosen Levi, but Levi never wanted it. He was happy leading his team and giving input, but Hanji was a better choice for commander.

"I can hardly go back to leading the forces like this." Erwin continued, playing along with his explanation. "They say I'll heal but not completely. I won't get the vision back in my left eye and the scars could cause problems. Plus, there's my right arm. I'm not exactly going to be in the right state to be a commander."

"But you're- Your mind's still all there. We need you.” This time, Erwin could tell Hanji meant it.

"No, you'll do brilliantly, I'm sure of it. You'll have time to prepare though, it won't be immediate. You'll get plenty of practice as acting commander."

"Erwin..."

"I can give you some advice as we go along." Erwin added. That seemed to work.

Hanji nodded. "Thank you."

"Perhaps I should let you rest." Hanji hesitated, not moving from their spot, and Erwin wondered if they were going to explain or he was going to have to ask. They both had to be thinking of the same thing. After a minute of silence, Erwin asked.

"What happened to Levi?"

A flash of pain crossed Hanji's face before they recovered somewhat but still looked sombre.

"He... didn't take it well. Once he woke up. He... had a bit of a breakdown?"

Erwin tried not to let his surprise show on his face. He knew something was wrong but he thought it wouldn't be that. "Because of me?" He asked.

"Yes. He tried to get to you but couldn't and then... The doctors say it's called catatonia. Do you know it?"

Erwin couldn't hide his shock this time. He'd read about it. He'd never expected anything like that to happen to Levi. This was more severe than Erwin had thought.

"He's only fallen into a catatonic state a few times but he's still not okay the rest of the time. It's like... it's like part of him was ripped out. He'll be numb for a few hours and then he'll start screaming at us and then he'll freeze up or go numb again. He wouldn't let us touch any of your stuff. Erwin, it's the worst grief I've seen. Maybe it'll go now you're back though..." Hanji didn't seem confident and Erwin had to agree. Him being back may help somewhat but that sort of trauma left lasting effects. They would have to support Levi the best they could.

"Don't put him back on active duty." It seemed obvious but he felt that he had to say it.

"I wouldn't."

"Is he staying in the hospital?"

"No. He was in the hospital for a while but then he moved to your rooms. We thought he might be more comfortable there. I'm not sure it helped."

It broke Erwin's heart to know Levi had been so affected by his loss. He knew Levi would be upset but he didn't think this would happen. He needed to care for him. This was his fault.

"Is there anything you advise I do? I want to look after him." Erwin asked.

"I don't know. We've just been trying to make sure we don't stress him out any more than necessary. If he freezes up, you can move him. He's not rigid, you can get him in a safer position. We've had someone watching him all the time too, just in case. I don't know what'll change now you're back."

"May he come in? I'd like to see him." Levi was suffering. Erwin needed to do what he could to ease it, and he'd gone and left Levi waiting so he could talk about changes in authority. He couldn't wait any longer.

"Yeah, of course. He's waiting outside."

"Please send him in."

"Of course." Hanji headed towards the door.

"Hanji." They turned back at the sound of their name.

"It's really good to see you." Hanji seemed to be bearing it well but his 'death' must have hurt them too

There was a brief moment where Hanji looked like they were about to run and hug him, but they resisted with slightly watery eyes. "It's really good to see you too, Erwin.”

Levi came in a few minutes later. He looked wary as he walked in and shut the door behind him.

"Levi." Erwin smiled. His heart leapt at the sight of him. Seeing Levi after a hard day always filled him with warmth. Levi was Erwin's real home, not his rooms.

"Erwin..." Levi's voice was soft. He looked torn between coming closer and running away.

"I've missed you." Erwin started. He wasn’t sure what was the best thing to say so he decided on the truth.

Levi looked down at the floor as he moved closer.

"I know I must have hurt you and I'm very sorry for that. Now that I'm back though, perhaps we could heal together?" They were both suffering but they could help each other, just like they always did.

Levi looked up at that, searching his eyes for something.

"You fucking left me." Levi became animated suddenly, switching from nervous and a little blank to hurt and angry. "I said I'd take the bomb and you fucking attacked me and left me."

"I did what I thought was right. I stand by the decision.” Erwin tried not to think about what that decision had done to Levi. He'd thought humanity needed Levi more than him. Based on the information he had at the time, it was the best decision. Was that really the reason though? Or did he just not want to lose Levi? He pushed the questions out of his mind. He could deliberate over his own damaging choices later. Right now, Levi needed him and Erwin was doing a poor job of helping.

“You stand by it? Erwin how many fucking times do I have to tell you how much survey needs you. You're the reason we've come his far. Survey doesn't need me like it needs you. I'm just another fucking soldier. You're our leader.”

“You are our strongest-“

“Don't fucking give me that. The others are strong too. You made the wrong call.”

Erwin was a little shocked. Levi sometimes expressed his hesitations about Erwin's decisions but he always ended up agreeing and saying he'd follow what Erwin decided. He always backed him up after too, no matter the losses. This was the first time in years that he'd told Erwin he was wrong.

“There's nothing I can do about it now, Levi. I thought it was right at the time.” Erwin said a little sadly.

“Yeah, well, at least you made it.” The angry energy seemed to spill out of Levi and he sounded tired. Erwin was beginning to see what Hanji meant about Levi’s mood fluctuating.

“You're happy to see me?” Erwin asked a little teasingly, trying to lighten the mood and treat Levi as he usually would when they were alone.

“What the fuck?” For a second, Erwin thought he'd truly angered Levi again before he realised Levi looked more and more like his usual self. “Did you hit your head too?” Levi asked. Levi seemed to be trying to act normal too but Erwin could see the hint of regret behind his eyes.

Erwin just smiled. “I'm very happy to see you too, Levi. I missed you.”

“Fuck off. Like you had time to miss me with all of that-” he gestured vaguely at Erwin, “-going on.”

“I did. I gather you missed me a lot too.” Erwin touched on the no doubt extremely sensitive topic.

Levi stiffened. “What did they tell you?”

“Hanji told me a little. I'd like to hear it from you, if you can tell me. What happened?”

“You knocked me out and I woke up just in time to see the explosion. That's what happened, you asshole.”

“I'm sorry Levi. I knew you wouldn't let me go without a fight and I hoped to spare you witnessing the moment.”

“You mean you wanted to fucking hide from what you were doing so I couldn't stop you.” Levi's words stung but Erwin tried not to let it show. Levi was hurting too.

“I really am sorry Levi. I didn't do it to hurt you.” Erwin knew he was apologising a lot but he meant it.

“I know.” Levi looked down

“What happened after?” Erwin asked, trying to learn more.

“I fucking broke.” Levi admitted to the floor, the fire gone from his voice.

Erwin held out his arm, wanting to soothe him. Levi looked up.

“Don't try and hug me while you're half a barbeque.”

Erwin laughed but kept his arm out. The drugs were dulling the pain but even without them, Levi was completely worth the pain. Levi walked closer, pulling the chair with him as he sat close at Erwin's bedside. He gently lowered Erwin's arm and held his hand.

They sat in silence for a moment as Levi thought.

“I don’t really know what happened. I just know I’m broken."

"We'll support each other. It will be okay, Levi." They were both in a bad state but Erwin was sure they’d both pull through, especially together.

"You think I'll go back to normal?" Levi didn’t look convinced.

"I don't know. I don't think there's anything wrong with not being ‘normal’ though, or if normal even exists. I'm sure we can make you feel better in some way though."

"I don't want to keep freezing up. I hate losing so many hours and everyone freaks out around me."

"We could try and work on that first then, if you'd like?"

Levi nodded. "You can't do much though. You need to rest."

"I can talk to you, or sit with you. Sometimes a comforting and understanding presence can work wonders. I can't count the times when just having you nearby has helped me immensely."

"You're still a mushy old man." Levi pretended to be disgusted.

"Always. A few burns won't change that." Erwin replied with a smile.

"Do they think your eye will heal?" Levi asked, taking Erwin a little by surprise. Then again, he had opened up the opportunity for Levi to ask about his condition. The burns hurt and would scar but his eye was the most troublesome injury in his mind. He’d already adjusted to life with one arm, now he’d have to adjust to life with one eye.

"No. I’ve probably lost the vision in it permanently. I'm likely to have bad scars all over my left side too. It's a small price to pay I suppose."

"Do you think you'll be able to keep your position?" Levi asked. Erwin was sure Levi already knew the answer.

"I don't intend to. I want Hanji to take over. I don't mind advising occasionally but I think it's time for me to step back."

Levi looked a little distressed by the news but only nodded. "What will you do?"

"Relax, I should hope. Probably not though. Perhaps you could come with me?" That was what Erwin really wanted to know. Did Levi still intend to stay with Survey? Erwin didn't think it would help his mental health if he stayed. He didn’t know how long it would take for Levi to improve and he doubted he’d ever fully go back to how he was before. These things tended to linger, whether it was a continual presence or a chance of relapse. What if he panicked or froze up on the field? He didn't seem to be thinking as clearly as before either. He could unintentionally put himself or others in danger and that would only make things worse. Plus, some selfish part of Erwin wanted to take Levi with him.

Levi looked like he was thinking it over. After a few more minutes, he still hadn't spoken and Erwin decided to let it rest for now. "I hear you've been staying in my rooms. You're free to stay there as long as you want, while they're still mine."

Levi shuffled a little closer. "Eren moved your book. I couldn't find the page again." Levi looked panicked for a moment before settling into sadness.

"That's okay." Erwin smiled warmly. "I'm sure I could find it again myself. Perhaps you could bring it to me sometime."

Levi nodded. They stayed quiet a little longer until Levi broke the silence. " _Erwin..._ "

"Levi." Erwin squeezed his hand, sensing his distress. Levi seemed to be flipping between sad, confused, pained, and panicked. It had to be exhausting. Erwin wondered how much of this Levi had felt before the incident and had just hidden.

"I thought..." The pain was clear in Levi’s voice.

"I'm sorry. I'm here now. Come here." Erwin squeezed Levi's hand again.

Levi got up from the chair and moved closer.

"Kiss me." Erwin asked and Levi obliged.

He leant in, gently pressing his lips to the unburnt corner of Erwin's mouth, being careful to avoid the bandages or putting any weight on him. Everything felt so much better.

~

Erwin was allowed back to his rooms two days later on the condition that the doctors would check on him often and if anything started going wrong he would be rushed back to a hospital bed. The same applied to Levi. They shared Erwin's rooms but Levi chose to sleep on the sofa. He'd insisted out of fear that he would aggravate Erwin's burns and hurt him. Erwin would rather have Levi close to him and endure the pain, but Levi was having none of it.

It only lasted 3 hours with Levi on the sofa. Erwin woke up in the night to the sound of Levi dragging the sofa cushions onto Erwin's floor and curling up there. The next day, Armin and Eren carried Levi's mattress into Erwin's room, taking up the floor space. Although grabbing any spare mattress would've probably been easier, Hanji suggested that giving Levi his own may be somewhat more comforting.

A week after Erwin had returned, a lot had changed. Erwin was going to be having treatment for a long time but he was healing and had come to terms with his retirement. He was already making plans. Erwin and Hanji both agreed that Levi needed to retire too but they wanted him to make that decision for himself without their influence. Pushing him into it would only make things worse, the healthiest option was to allow him to realise it himself. Neither retirement would be immediate though. Erwin was willing to assist Hanji in getting used to all the duties that came with being commander to make he transition easier for everyone.

Levi was beginning to improve. He a lot more aware of himself and others now and seemed to be regaining some of his confidence and thinking more clearly. The first few days were the hardest. The first 3 mornings after Erwin's return, just after waking, Levi would still have to ask if Erwin was real. The first morning, Levi wouldn't believe him until Hanji came to reassure him. That had stopped by the end of the week. Erwin suspected that Levi still woke up unsure some mornings, not just about Erwin but about his situation in general, but reassured himself. He'd only frozen up once during that week too. He'd had a severe nightmare, so bad that he'd bitten his lip and dug his nails into Erwin's unburnt thigh hard enough that both of them had started bleeding. Erwin had tried to calm him but Levi either couldn't or wouldn't hear him. He fell into a catatonic state for two hours before he came back to himself. Erwin had cleaned him up and taken care of him during that time. He'd dreamt about Erwin's 'death' again. Apparently he relived it sometimes while he was awake too. Erwin hoped that would fade as Levi got better.

On the fourth night, Levi pulled Erwin's shirt out of his bedside drawer. Erwin had let him sit in silence as he tried to work out what to say. In the end, Levi confessed to having been protective of the shirt and holding it close. Erwin's heart twisted with pain but also at how sweet Levi was. Levi had quietly asked what had caused the stain. He had been completely enraptured as Erwin had explained how he'd managed to catch a pen he'd dropped but knocked his drink onto himself instead. It was a mildly embarrassing memory but Levi loved it.

They took care of each other. Levi helped care for Erwin's burns and made sure he didn't move more than he was meant to. He also did what he could to help Erwin adjust to his new visual difficulties. Erwin made sure Levi didn't stress himself too much and helped ground and reassure him.

Two weeks after Erwin's return, Levi's cleaning compulsion came back. Erwin thought it was both a good and a bad thing. It meant Levi was becoming more like his old self, but he also knew that Levi sometimes found his obsession stressful and he didn't want it making him worse. The first day it returned, it wasn't too bad. The second day, is was awful. Levi couldn't stop cleaning and he'd freak out if Erwin tried to get out of bed to stop him. He'd stopped making sure everything was perfectly positioned, as he had while Erwin had been gone, but was back to making everything pristine instead. A year ago, Erwin and Levi had discussed his cleaning late at night and Levi had admitted that he felt that dirt meant more people he cared about would die. Apparently it got worse when he knew Erwin was at risk. Erwin wondered if the reason he'd stopped cleaning when Erwin had died, was because he'd lost what he was trying to hard to protect. Erwin rubbed cream gently into Levi's hands that night, after he'd worn the skin too thin with cleaning chemicals, soap, and scrubbing. He pulled Levi into a gentle kiss, whispering how he loved him and that everything would be okay. Levi whispered his love in return.

A month and a half after Erwin came back, they officially announced his retirement. It didn't come as a surprise due to his condition. Everyone had already worked out that he was only staying to heal and help guide Hanji. The announcement of Levi's retirement did come as a shock though. Most did not know of his condition. There were rumours but those varied from close guesses about his mental health, to Levi hiding from his duties to be with his lover. They didn't confirm anything but simply said that he would be retiring. It had taken Levi weeks to decide. He'd only finalised his decision a week before the announcement. He didn't want to wait longer after that, so they announced it at the same time as Erwin's.

Levi didn't want to ‘give up’ but eventually he realised he wasn't in a good state to go back to the military. Maybe in a few months he might be okay but they couldn't be sure of that and he wasn't sure he really wanted to put himself through it all again. He'd forever be more sensitive to trauma now and he didn't want to risk this happening all over again. He considered just doing the desk job side of it but he'd never liked paperwork and he didn't want to spend all his time doing boring reports or death letters. Plus, they had the cure now. Things were looking up. They would be okay now. Retirement was the best choice. He wasn't going to sit around and do nothing though.

Two and a half months after Erwin returned, he led Levi to an empty building on a busy shopping street inside Wall Rose. Levi had continued improving but he still had bad days. He still had regular flashbacks, which now incorporated previous traumas including Isabel and Farlan, and he still got confused about where and when he was sometimes. He still fell into a catatonic state occasionally too, but this was rare and Erwin had started learning to see when it was coming and soothe him in order to prevent it. They didn’t know if Levi would ever be completely his old self again, but they weren’t sure that was important. All that mattered was that Levi felt better, whether that meant he was more like his old self or a new self. Erwin knew Levi would continue to improve. He was optimistic. As long as they were together, it would be okay.

Erwin's burns were doing well too. They'd scarred over and they still hurt when pressed but Erwin was coping well. They covered half of him, including half his face, and the vision in his left eye hadn't gotten any better, but he thought he was doing well. He was still alive, he was alive with Levi, with Hanji, with the others. He was alive to see the cure being spread amongst the titans, alive to see them rebuild the villages between and beyond the walls, alive to see their population grow as ex-titans came home. It was a bit politically chaotic, but Erwin was staying out of that for now. Mostly, people were just glad that in the coming years, humanity would be free to explore beyond the horizon.

Levi looked up at the empty building Erwin had led him to, looking like he had no idea what he was supposed to be seeing. The owner of the building had died of old age a few months ago and it had recently been bought up by a new owner.

 “What do you think?” Erwin asked, unable to contain his smile.

“It's... an empty building? It's dusty.” Levi looked confused and mildly disgusted as Erwin laughed.

“Well, we can clean it up. Repaint. Get a new sign. How does ‘Levi’s Tea Emporium’ sound?”

Levis eyes widened. “What?”

Erwin kept smiling, his whole being full of joy. “I bought it. It's got living space upstairs and shop space downstairs. I thought you could finally have your tea shop.”

Levi continued staring at him in surprise as Erwin leant in for a quick soft kiss.

The future looked good.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to hear what you think. Comments and kudos are super encouraging. 
> 
> I'd also like to say that PTSD and Catatonia are very varied disorders and I could only represent small parts of them in this oneshot. If you're interested in them, I strongly encourage you to read and learn more about them.


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